This fear of being evil is just your brain protecting your heart.Brad Let's do the time warp again! They all say “oh that’s how they are” and move on. I have met some crappy people who have done some crappy things to me and others and no one even bats an eye. Fear of rejection and fear of vulnerability can really steal so much joy from a person. I have been trying but I think the solution really comes down to not caring what others think.
#EVIL INSIDE OF ME HOW TO#
I am not sure yet how to break these fears. the fact that we are sitting here worrying if we are bad is showing that we’re not and our hearts are big and we have a lot of love to give. Which clearly we have experienced many many times. All of this comes from a fear of rejection though. I am afraid to look people in the eye out of fear they might see who I am. I have felt the same way around children too with the intrusive thoughts. I have noticed people tend to fade away after a certain amount of time so I have picked up on that and I tend to hold back in relationships now out of fear of being vulnerable and rejected again. It has caused me to hold people only for a short amount of time. If people have treated me so poorly that shows me that I don’t matter right? I must be bad. I have felt so alone in life for so long my brain believes that I am worthless. I have been treated poorly by people I thought I could trust even family that was supposed to love and support me. I just wanted to say this post made me cry because it explained exactly how I have felt since I was a teenager. Idk man I’m probably not making lots of sense today (just finished losing my shit a little bit) but I related to feeling inherently evil and I believe I might have some evidence it’s just not true anymore. It’s just a way I think we protect ourselves in our psyches when we experience or continue to seek out the experience of trauma. The intrusive thoughts aren’t a reflection of your self or like confirmation of your evil. That allows the anxiety spirals to start in the first place, and they get really out of hand with the shame and guilt complex. I believed I deserved it because I’m evil.
Sometimes they are and being there with them getting fucked with validates the idea that this is what the world is like: hostile. I’m just walking around like a scared animal all the time assuming everyone is fucking with me. Getting treatment and not getting treatment were both choices with consequences and one of them caused harm (like, social harm using chronic oversharing) to myself and others as a consequence for lots of years, but I’m not like, bad. I’m trying to hold onto the feeling, it feels like one of those flame-of-truth moments. I make choices that are often reactionary consequences of my untreated mental illness. But I think that idea that there is evil within me is wrong. I had this feeling this morning about how I believe I’m evil for everything I’ve done so I’m doomed to be evil forever.
I’m so tired of feeling this way, it happens multiple times a day and I feel hopeless and haven’t moved in months. It’s like people buried their violence in me when they were abusing me and I was a sponge and just absorbed it all. I know I’m not these things and I’m a very gentle and kind person but I get overwhelmed with feelings of being wrong and malevolent and twisted that it causes me to want to die.
I wouldn’t hurt anyone but every time I’m around people I care about I can’t stop thinking about how they’re going to find out I’m evil and trying to hurt them when I have no intentions of doing so. If I’m around kids, my brain tells me that everyone in the room thinks I’m going to hurt them.
#EVIL INSIDE OF ME SERIAL#
I wouldn’t ever want to hurt anyone but sometimes my brain convinces me that I’m actually a manipulative serial killer. I’ve never physically hurt someone or wanted to hurt someone my whole life but I’m convinced that I’m for some reason capable of harm. I know this is a common symptom but I feel like my fears of being evil and bad and malevolent have gotten out of hand and I’m only becoming increasingly aware of them.
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